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Tuesday, August 20th, 2002

(4 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:Farewell
Time:10:56 pm.
+hug+

Goodbye.

Some of you I have helped.
Some of you I have frustrated.
Some of you I have hurt, for which I will never forgive myself for.
Some of you I have managed to do all three for.
My apologies.

Monday, August 5th, 2002

(4 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Time:1:01 am.
Is anyone else awake
Deaf ears on these words must fall
Dodging friendly fire
Marksmanship inspires
The end that is never the end
There’s no difference between foe or friend
Blanks in the chamber, they’ll have you believe
Faces so sober, trusting souls deceived
Mouth less children, still promises they feed
Bullets softer now, still we bleed
The megaphone speaks still pulses race and scream
Things will be quiet soon


I figured out why I want to move to CT.
I want to commit suicide, but I never will, because in my heart I know it's wrong.
But I still want to die, and start a new life.
Odd how suicide is the cowardly, easy way out, and this takes so much bravery and strength.

this is making me crazy
these black clouds following me
so i look for signs of light
but rarely i see them

i return to my shelter
and i crawl in a bottle
i'm losing my will for this
so over emotional

black clouds
they rain down but
they can't kill the sun

confession of depression
this life i'm second-guessing
like ashes to ashes
i always seem to fall down
i'm tired of running
it's time to face my demons
confession of depression
this life i'm second-guessing

my emotions are storming
and tears fall just like rain
pain strikes like lightning
despair is becoming my friend

i'm pushing myself to a point of self-destruction

black clouds
they rain down but
they can't kill the son inside

Monday, July 29th, 2002

(Drown In Me)

Time:10:52 pm.
Mood: horny.
Okay, so there were multiple answers I liked, and I took the test twice. And I'm sure I'm somewhere in the middle of these two.


pisces



What's *Your* Sex Sign?



taurus



What's *Your* Sex Sign?

(1 gasp for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:"Can you teach me how to fly, can you see I'm scared to die, and I've only begun to learn to crawl"
Time:6:12 pm.
Mood: sad.
Meanwhile, reading my friends page always seems to depress me. My depressed friends make me feel bad for them, as well as myself, and my happy friends just make me jealous and bitter. Meanwhile, I'm not really posting anything myself. Though somehow I tricked myself into doing it again. Who knows.

On a totally different note, what's up with all human's need for everyone to love them? Seriously- no matter how much you might say you don't need approval, we all thrive on it, to some degree. Even if you are a proclaimed individual, who doesn't do anything just because someone expects it of you, some part of you wants to be respected for that, and that in itself is approval.
All I know is that it's frustrating. From the end of wanting everyone to love me (a selfish, shallow statement, I know, but you know what I mean), and from the end of everyone wanting me to love them, or at least be extremely jealous of them.

"Why can't I be
somebody else
somebody who
isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me?
What if I can't remember
Who I'm trying to be?"
Bleu- Somebody Else

(5 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:"I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season"
Time:5:53 pm.
Mood:+sigh+.
In response to this.

I'm posting it here, because he probably wouldn't care if I posted it on his journal as a comment, except to the point where it might freak him out. +shrug+ I don't know- (and onto the subject of this post) I don't understand him. But I want to say this, and be heard by somebody, to some degree.


I don't understand why, to him, if we couldn't be buddybuddies, we couldn't be friends at all. It was like an absolute to him- really good friends, or nothing. When I said we couldn't hang out all the time, and stuff, he took me off his friends list, and his contact lists on AIM and ICQ. I mean, don't you have people that you see every now and then, maybe hang out with once a month or two, have on your friends list, and talk to every now and then to keep up with what's going on with their life? I know a lot of you are like that with me.

He says he doesn't want to be hasty, but I feel like that's what he did with me. In all fairness, I think he might believe that's what I did to him, though I mulled over things for almost a week, and truthfully kinda the entire time we were dating (just to make sure it was the right thing- not because I had Doubts the entire time).

+sigh+ I don't know why I think about it. I don't even know why I still have him on my friends list. Maybe some little fantastical part of me thinks that maybe he'll come to his senses some day, and realize that I did the right thing by breaking up with him; and that because I did, we can still be friends. Or maybe I'll just go take him off my friends list now.

Friday, July 26th, 2002

(4 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:"Bend me, Break me, Misdirect me, It's all the same to me"
Time:9:24 pm.
Mood:lost.
+sigh+
I don't have anything planned to write for this entry, but I figured it might be good for me to crank some Drowning Pool, and spill out whatever I've been holding in since I went Back East.
did I mention I didn't read over this before I posted...?Collapse )

Okay, I'm cutting this into two parts, just in case you want to read the whole thing, for some odd reason, and you want to... take a break... or something.

read onCollapse )
Thank you for your patience.

Wednesday, July 24th, 2002

(Drown In Me)

Time:11:09 pm.
Mood: amused.
wow, it knew. Even as such a crappy quiz as it is.





My Favorite Male Part Is:


The Arm: Strong and protective.


Good for slave labour too...




Find out your favorite male body part!








Meanwhile.....






I Am The Sex Toy:


Hi-Tech Masterpiece: Some

say that I was developed in a

top secret lab while others say

I was developed by aliens for

my probing capabilities, but

only I know the truth!

My mission here on earth is to

launch a full out assault on your

genitals with my spinning beads,

vibrations, and clitoris teaser.

My LCD screen keeps you informed,

but only with information I want

you to have! Mwua-ha-ha!





Find out what sex toy you are.



(1 gasp for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:This is for Dave.
Time:10:25 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Somewhere Out There.
Sunday August 4th, The End welcomes Our Lady Peace, with Audiovent, to the Moore Theatre. And because OLP had to cancel their performance at EndFest 11 due to injury, we've got a way for a lot of this Canadian combo's fans to see the show for free. Next Tuesday (7/30) and Wednesday (7/31), The End's Mods will be on the streets of Seattle trading ticket stubs from EndFest 11 for tickets to see Our Lady Peace at the Moore. Here's where to find 'em:

Tuesday 7/30: 11am at Wherehouse Music in Lynnwood (19800 44th Ave. W, Suite C-D); and 3pm at The Cue Lounge in Kent (19611 S. East Valley Hwy).

Wednesday 7/31: 11am at the Sprint PCS store in Redmond (7625 170th Ave. NE, right outside of Redmond Towne Center); and 3pm at Golden Gardens Park (at the end of Shilshole).

You must have your EndFest 11 ticket to exchange for a ticket to the Our Lady Peace concert. Our Lady Peace ticket supplies are limited at each location. Mods will be at each location for two hours or until tickets are gone. First come, first served.


Yeah, so, I officially hate the end. Totally limited amounts, and no where easily accessable. Nevermind that all my Dashboard autographs would be gone (though I came to the decision today that if it meant being able to finally get the drummer's autograph on my bag, which is the one I'm missing, then it'd be worth the trade (of audiovent, obviously)). It's not our fault we didn't get to see them before! And now we're probably STILL not going to get to see the band that we put money towards? grar.

Tomorrow, I'm going and buying my ticket. Unless you can make it to Kent.
What do you plan?

Oh, btw, I got that whole day off, so if you still want to catch the game...

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002

(Drown In Me)

Time:8:46 pm.
Mood: confused.
Well, went to change it, and got this:


Error
One or more errors occured processing your request. Please go back, correct the necessary information, and submit your data again.

Bad new password: it is based on a dictionary word



Oddly, I was changing it to brennan_69... well, whatever. LJ is obviosly having a good time smokin it's crack.

(note- that pass has nothing to do with my current one, so forget it.)

(6 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Time:7:00 pm.
Mood: hot.
No, I'm not really posting anymore.
I was just wondering if anyone's gotten this message:

Login successful. Hello, Athena! Also, the server has a message for you:

Your password is too easy to guess. It's recommended that you change it, otherwise you risk having your journal hijacked. Visit http://www.livejournal.com/changepassword.bml



Just wondering, cuz mine's not really easy to guess. It's something that's not mentioned in any of my entries, and isn't from my personal info- it's totally random.

Thursday, July 18th, 2002

(1 gasp for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:What's Luv (+Shock+, an R&B reference)
Time:10:18 pm.
Mood: pensive.
spycigrrl (9:49:37 PM): To me... It means that when I'm with them, it somehow completes me- just their mere presence somehow makes everything so much more... right. It also means that somehow I'm in synch with their emotions and moods, and somehow can help them through all of them. As it sounds with you, it means that any time I get them a little more happy, it sets me soaring. It means that if they ask me something, I would never ever feel the need to lie, or bend the truth, to protect myself. I never really realize when I finally open myself up to someone like that. Which means that's when I get hurt. +sigh+
ZorbaTHut (9:51:01 PM): *nods*
spycigrrl (9:51:57 PM): +smile+ I suppose there's so much more.
spycigrrl (9:52:03 PM): but that's what comes to mind.

Seriously, what does love mean to you all?
I would love to hear it. You don't need anything more than what I have above, in length, I'm just curious. If you don't feel right posting it here, I'd love to hear from you on AIM.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2002

(Drown In Me)

Subject:Woohoo!! (wait, wrong band...)
Time:1:06 pm.
Mood: excited.
brief outline of conversation:

Me: Hey, I just got back in town, how do I get ahold of my OLP ticket with my Endfest ticket?

DJ Dick Rosetti: Just hold onto your ticket, and keep listening to the radio.

Me: So... they're not going to sell out with the regular tickets, and we'll end up screwed, right?

DJ: I sure hope not. Just keep listening.

Me: K. Oh, another quick question- I heard a rumor that Audiovent's gonna be there too. Is that true?

DJ: Yup.

Me: Sweeeet!!! K. Thanks.

Update:

got this on Endmail

Exchange Rate.
Sunday August 4th, The End welcomes Our Lady Peace, with Audiovent, to the Moore Theatre. And we've got a way for a lot of this Canadian combo's fans to see the show for free (now that's a great exhange rate!). July 30th & 31st, The End's Mods will be on the streets of Seattle trading ticket stubs from EndFest 11 for tickets to see Our Lady Peace at the Moore. Stay tuned to The End and check next week's EndMail for details on where to hook up with The Mods for your chance to trade tickets, eh?


wtf, I have to hunt these bastardos down? And there's no way I'm trading my ticket, as it has Dashboard signatures all over it. Feh.
On the bright side... Audiovent!!!! +grin+
Hmm.. No mention of Greenwheel though... maybe they're coming to town at some other point...

(Drown In Me)

Time:12:42 pm.
Mood:mildly amused.
There's a real lack of original troll material out there these days. In my seven years of Internet experience, I've noticed that you can boil down any given forum argument into "you're dumb" and "you're gay." The younger the troll is, the more quickly the "gay" insult gets played. Sometimes it's fired right way, like a warning shot off the bow, as if to warn the other combatants that they're not afraid to use the heavy artillery. I've yet to see an argument get better after that little gem has been played. I've never seen someone float the possibility that their opponent is gay, only to make an exceedingly intelligent point moments later. I try and summon the mental image of a high school debate tournament being won by one opponent pulling out the dreaded "gay card" from their gigantic plastic tub, but it just doesn't jive. It just doesn't seem to qualify for a solid platform. I have no idea why, after all, it's got such a finality to it.

"I believe that pursuing a philosophy of containment in a post-cold war world would be a waste of our nation's funds and increase our already waning trust in the Middle East."

"You're gay."

"Touché. In that case we should move into Iraq."


http://students.washington.edu/durandal/shawisland/archive/20020717.htm


I love Shaw Island. Good stuff.

Update:
greenstik69 (12:41:40 PM): that's gay
spycigrrl (12:41:58 PM): you're right. what was i thinking.

Tuesday, July 16th, 2002

(Drown In Me)

Subject:meanwhile...
Time:9:50 pm.
Mood:lychee bliss.
I have lychee juice
and I have lychee candy

I am in lychee heaven

(2 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Time:8:07 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Well, I'm back home.
Home.
+sigh+

I got sick the day before I flew here. I was sick until I had been east for a day. Funny how that works.

There's something I want to write a thought-out entry about, but I'm horridly tired. Hopefully, at some point in the next month I'll have a point where I'm not. Maybe I'll go to a concert, and write it up after that.


Speaking of concerts- anyone who knows ANYTHING about the possibility of Audiovent and Greenwheel being at the OLP make-up show for Endfest better spill their info, or I'm going to beat it out of them.

Speaking of concerts, again, that was one of my main points of bitterness while I was east (sorry to those who have heard this). I thought a concert might save my sanity while I was gone. There was this one with Audiovent, and Sevendust, and... um... other people I wasn't nearly as excited about, but was still thrilled to go see. Audiovent's not supposed to come out here again, so I really wanted to go. Turns out this thing was in upstate NY, and no one wanted to drive me there all the way from CT. So I wasn't going to get to go. So I decided to blow my money, that I don't really have, and go to Ozzfest, which was in CT on Saturday. Well, it turns out that my mom's big surprise she had for me, was that we were going to New York for the weekend. Oh the horrible irony!!

Yeah, so then I found out that Trust Company is going to be playing in CT this thursday the 18th, two days after I left. And now I'm back home, and Ozzfest here is sold out, so I can't get there, even if I totally blew my $. Go me.

Liz- We're going to OLP, right? You'll buy a ticket, right?
Liz- also, do you have any spare bleaching shtuff around? I actually want to take this red streak I currently have, and maybe a lil more hair, and bleach it white blonde. Figured since I have NO money, I might be able to borrow the stuff from you.

Sunday, July 14th, 2002

(2 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Subject:In the big apple, and somehow hating it
Time:5:26 pm.
Mood:die.
I hate


my life

Thursday, July 11th, 2002

(1 gasp for air | Drown In Me)

Time:12:11 am.
interesting.

1. What kind of person you'll be attracted to in real life situation..

D. Horse - those are unbridled, untrammeled, and free



2. In the process of courtship, which approach would make you feel irrisistable...

C. Snake - moods-swing, blow hot and cold in love, vacillate



3. What impression you would like to give to your lover...

B. Cat - stylish



4. What incident would cause you break up with your partner which character you hate most...

C. Crocodile - ruthless, cold-blooded, ironic



5. What kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner...

D. Bird - you care not only about present but future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship that you can grow with



6. Would you commit adultery...

A. Human - you care about the society and morality, you won't do anything wrong after marriage



7. What do you think about marriage...

D. Leopard - you always want to get married, but in fact, you don't even know what it really is



8. At this moment, what do you think of Love...

A. Lion - you always thirst of love, you can do anything for it, but you won't fall for it easily



http://thewebhouse.net/lovetest/index.html

Wednesday, July 10th, 2002

(7 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Time:1:08 am.
I'm bored, I'm emotionally distraught, and I don't want to talk about any of it. So I did this.


001.name: athena
002.d.o.b.: aug 6th
003.location: current? Meriden, CT
004.religion: none-agnostic
005.occupation: bitter kinda adult

APPEARANCE...
001.hair: I think it still qualifies as long. Blonde. With some red, fading to orange, hopefully fading to nothing by the time I get home and have to go back to work. If not? meh. fuck it. Kinda wavy underneath.
002.eyes: grey/blue
003.height: 5'10

STYLE...
001. clothing: yeah, I don't think I actually pull that 'rocker' thing off at all. who knows. stuff I like, that's 'me'
002.music: it really varies, from stuff like Nickelback and Incubus (woo! Corey Taylor gone solo!), to celtic, hair metal, sinatra, blues, Outkast, metal, hardcore, industrial, whatever.
003.make up: usually? maybe some eyeshadow and lip gloss. maybe not. I love nail polish. can't wear it to work. bite.
004.bodyart: wanna get tattooed... can't afford it...

RIGHT NOW...
001.wearing: ummm... orange "here comes trouble" ringer tee (blue), watch, camoflauge bracelet, rings, army green pants, sandals
002.listening to: mom snoring, grandmother snoring, all-star game
003.thinking of: already said I didn't want to talk about it.

LAST THING YOU...
001.bought: blimpie sub
002.ate & drank: yummy pasta salad, and labatt blue light
003.read: friends page, but am currently reading the Hobbit
004.watched on tv: all-star game

EITHER/OR...
001.club or houseparty: clubs with live bands
002.tea or coffee: tea.
003. achiever or slacker: me? Slacker to the max.
004.beer or cider: beer
005.drinks or shots: drinks
006.cats or dogs: both. more cats than dogs, but both.
007.single or taken: bitter
008.pen or pencil: pen.
009.gloves or mittens: gloves. (long, black)
010.food or candy: food
011.cassette or cd: CD
012.coke or pepsi: ...pepsi twist.
013.hard or mild alcohol: mild (I'm weak).
014.matches or a lighter: lighter.
015.sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: I didn't used to watch... the.. bold and... the... beautiful......
016.Rickie lake or oprah winfrey: didn't used to watch oprah either...

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
001.kill: you. me. i don't know.
002.hear from: you.
003.get really wasted with: liz
004.look like: ummm... maybe nicole kidman. or catherine zeta-jones.
005.be like: nicole kidman. stephen tyler.
006.avoid: me.

LAST PERSON YOU...AND WHEN?
001.touched: my mom
002.talked to: with my voice? my grandmother (well, the tv)
003.hugged: my great aunt (I think), Marie
004.instant messaged: Jon W
005.kissed: my mom's cousin Mark (not like that! ewwww!)
006.who broke your heart: they might know. they might not. I'm not going to say though.

WHERE DO YOU...
001.eat: wherever the urge hits me.
002.dance: everywhere
003.cry: my room. (though lately, everywhere)
004.wish you were: In his arms. Not here. Not there.

HAVE YOU EVER...
001.Dated one of your best friends? yes.
002.Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes.
003.Drank alcohol? yes.
004.Done drugs? no.
005.Broken the law? yes.
006.Ran away from home? yes
007.Broken a bone? ...yes.
008.Cheated on a test? um, like, for one or two questions- not the whole thing.
009.Skinny dipped? yes.
010.Played Truth Or Dare? yes.
011.Flashed someone? yes.
012.Mooned Someone? no.
013.Kissed someone you didn't know? define 'didn't know..."
014.Been on a talk show/game show? no.
015.Been in a fight? nope.
016.Ridden in a fire truck? one that... wasn't... moving.....
017.Been on a plane? yes.
018.Come close to dying? no.
019.Cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend? not really...
020.Gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride? yes.
021.Eaten a worm/mud pie? eeew! (no.)
022.Swam in the ocean? yes.
023.Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up? yes.

WHAT IS...
001.The most embarrassing CD in your collection? stroke 9.
002.Your bedroom like? still half done. bed, posters, table, comp, cd's, pictures.
003.Your favorite thing for breakfast? cum. errr, ummm, i mean.... blueberry pancakes. yeah, that's it...
004.Your favorite thing for lunch? sushi
005.Your favorite thing for dinner? food...?
006.Your favorite Restaurant? oooh, i dunno. maybe the japanese one with that Russel guy...

ARE YOU...
001.A Vegetarian? yeah.
002.A Good Student? +laughs+ god, no.
003.Good At Sports? nope
004.wakeboarding/snowboarding? no.
005.A Good Singer? when we (my extended family) sang happy birthday to my grandmother, I learned where I got my total lack of ability to hit a note.
006.A good Actor/Actress? on stage? no. in real life? somewhat.
007.A deep sleeper? not as much as I used to be. still sometimes though.
008.A Good Dancer? (see 002 in this section) doesn't stop me though!
009.Shy? yes.
010.Outgoing? yes.
011.A good storyteller? only when it fits my purpose (...)
012.Last words? saw the preview for the next LoTR movie. Damnnnn! Viggo is one good lookin man.

Sunday, June 30th, 2002

(Drown In Me)

Subject:Big Favor to ask...
Time:11:25 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Okay, I'm leaving dark and eary Tuesday morning, gonna be gone for two weeks. I'm hoping and praying that I find somewhere I can go online. OMG, 2 weeks of family only... I'm not sure I'll return sane (okay, I'm already beyond that thin line, but at least I'm stable and insane right now. mostly.).
Everyone's being very understanding (oh, except my roommate, but that's a little too much to expect from him, don't you think?), and all my scheduled workdays are taken care of except for this friday, which i might have to call around to other stores to find a replacement for (and if I don't? pfft. oh well. sucks to be my boss.).

Finally, the big favor.
I don't trust my roommate to take care of my cat. At all.
I was wondering if any of you could stop by my house every... three days or so, and just make sure my cat has water. Oh, and every six days clean his litter box. It's automatic, so all you have to do is take out the tray it dumps in, put it out in the trash, and put an empty tray in.
Please, PLEASE, if there's any way you can... let me know. (yes, I really do trust all of you more than him)
Even if you can only do it every 4 days...
Yeah, so, contact me on AIM, or call me if you have the number. Hell, just reply on here if that's what it takes.

Uuuuuugh, I'm so Exhausted.

Friday, June 28th, 2002

(2 gasps for air | Drown In Me)

Time:9:37 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Meanwhile, my great grandmother is dying.
Again.
Looks like it's probably for real this time.
For her sake, I sure hope it is.

I don't mind her dying. She's 94, and it's her time. I love her, but you know.
The thing is, I'm scraping by financially as it is. I would love to go back east and help my mom pack up all the stuff she has at my grandmother/great grandmother's place. We have a lot stored there, but my grandmother will probably end up selling the house and such, and she won't want to deal with our crap.
Anyhow, you don't need all the details.
What it boils down to, is that I can't afford to take time off from work, plus the ticket to get out there on such short notice would be about $650, round trip.

So yeah. My mom's gonna contact some relatives. If it happens at the right time, I can go to the 2 day wake before, and the funeral and wake the night of the funeral. If we get more money than that, I can stay a week and help my mom out. I'll need, like, $200. +sigh+

Oh well, we'll see how that turns out.

My mom says everyone would understand if I couldn't make it (have I mentioned that my mom never told my grandmother that I had moved out, because she didn't tell her how sick she got, which got us evicted? And she didn't want my grandmother knowing my mom is basically homeless? She didn't want to worry her... Now we have to come up with a story we can both remember... yay.), but I would feel horrible. Whenever I lived back east, and we really had a family outing, it would be the four of us. Four generations, all at the dinner table together. The three of them really are my only family (well, there's my fathers side, but let's not go there). So, when one of those three dies... I need to go.

Okay. I'm done talking about that.
I'll meet with my mom tomorrow, and we'll talk about it.

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